3 main Constellation Principles
Orders of Love
Hellinger referred to these 3 main principles as the ‘Orders of Love’:
1. Belonging = survival / bonding
2. Give and Take = balance / equilibrium
3. Order = safety
Belonging
In life we all just want to belong - to our family unit, to a clique or group, a team, a relationship, a workplace, a culture, and so on.
So, if we want to belong, the question becomes, “What do we do, or what have we done, to ensure we belong? Are included? Maintain acceptance?”
So much of what we do, and our behaviours are unconscious. We don’t think about what we do or take on, because out of innocence and born of love, we will do anything to belong, and ensure we aren’t at risk of being rejected. So, we do what is necessary to ensure our safety and standing within the group/system that we want to be a part of.
I spent my young life just wanting to be loved, accepted and part of the group, any group! From those deep desires I now have a fair few memories that I’m incredibly embarrassed by but I did what I thought was necessary for me to belong. It has taken me years to move through and gain a sense of self-love and acceptance yet being able to review myself and my behaviours using Constellations I have had the most profound shifts and this is just one of the many reasons why I engage in this work today.
Give and take
We all know the person, (or it could be you), who will give, and give, and give of themself, yet finds it really difficult to receive, even a thank you! It’s great to be a giver don’t get me wrong – but if it’s all one way and there is no balance – then the person is out of balance. And too much of a good thing, is not so good.
And then there’s the takers! Those who will suck the life-blood out of people because they can, and through innocence and love once again – the takers are often allowed to continue to take - because they too are out of balance.
In the places where there isn’t balance, there will be signs of things being misaligned and the need for balance to be regained. Our human body relies on homeostasis to survive and function well – balance, and when the scales are tipped one way or the other, then our body definitely lets us know something isn’t right and we need to do something to change the situation to become well again, or not.
Order
Just like being ‘in balance’, we also need to be ‘in order’ to survive and flourish – and I’m not just talking about have a clean and orderly bedroom here!😊
There are some things that are just a part of life, like the law of gravity, and a sense of order is an important part of every group/system we belong to. In a family the parents came first, then the children, and so on throughout the generations. In society, each workplace has an order or hierarchy, and governments / ruling systems operate within a chain of command – with each role necessary to ensure the smooth running of the whole in an ideal world.
Look at your life, friends and family systems – is everyone and everything operating in right order? I’ve spent my life parenting my parents, and at one time I took over some of my manager’s leadership duties because I thought they were just ‘incapable of doing it as well as I could!’ Wow – talk about being out of order!!!
Yet out of love and care for my parents I usurped their rights and roles as parents because I thought they already had so much to deal with. And out of my sheer arrogance I undermined my manager and shifted the whole order of the team throwing everything out of order. It has not been until I accepted my own rightful place as a child and a team member, that my life order started to rebalance and operate as it should be, thus allowing both my family and my teammates to align with their rightful place and space. No wonder I spent so much of my life feeling like I didn’t fit in this world!
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The explanations offered here of the 3 foundational Constellation principles are extremely basic and simplified – yet are easy to relate to. The questions we just have to ask ourselves are:
1. Do I really feel/believe that I belong to the relationships, groups, and/or systems in my life?
2. Have a done things so I would belong/fit in that I’m not happy with, or find it really difficult to live with the choices I have made?
3. Do I give way too much of myself to others/workplaces/etc. yet I’m unable to receive from these and maintain balance in my life and interactions?
4. Do I take more than I give and find my life and interactions to be unbalanced?
5. Am I in order within my relationships and the systems within which I operate?
6. Do I fit? Am I content? Do I lord it over others? Do I allow others to lord it over me?
Should you find that you’re not satisfied with your answer/s to one or more of these questions then it may be possible that Systemic and Structural Constellation work may be what you need to bring balance to the ‘Orders of Love’ in your life. Read on further to see how Constellations work.
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How does a Constellation work?
A Constellation can be conducted:
- privately - you and a facilitator, online or in-person
- with a group of people in a workshop setting, online or face-to-face.
With the issue you would like to resolve in mind, you and the facilitator will have a discussion to get clear on the best place to start.
From there basically anything, from post-it notes to other people (in a group setting) can be used to get a 3-D look at the situation at hand. Taking it out of the mind and representing outwards, like watching a movie, provides a safe space for you to explore your issue and take the time to notice how your body is reacting.
Constellations work with the heart space. Connecting to the unconscious thoughts and feelings that we might not even be aware exist within us. At all times you are conscious and aware of what you are thinking, feeling, and doing, whilst the facilitator is holding the space for you to explore what is coming up for you and find your own answers and insights to be able to step forward into your future.
Systemic Constellations
Systemic Constellations look into a system within which we operate, e.g. Family Constellations look at what may have been affecting a family over multiple generations. The source of your issue may have been handed down through the family unit and have the roots of the solution there as well. Shifting one thing can have a ripple effect on the whole system creating change beyond yourself and potentially opening up the opportunity for things to be different for future generations.
For Businesses, or any other group, there may be a ‘system’ issue at play as well. For example, why is it that every manager who comes into the role always encounters the same issue? Did something happen in the history of the business that is now creating a recurring problem to arise?
Systemic constellations can raise awareness around aspects that have been impacting and affecting systems for years such as:
· war
· migration
· slavery
· genocide
· feminine / masculine
· inclusion
· culture
· relationships
· addictions
· crime
· lost and excluded family members and bonds
· finances
· health
· etc.
Structural Constellations
Structural Constellations have more of an individual and/or internal focus. These constellations work with you to explore your relationship with aspects of your own self, for example:
· belief systems
· trauma
· head and heart / thinking and feeling,
or, can explore issues including:
· career
· goals, obstacles and resources
· illness, symptoms
· relationships
· separation and/or divorce
· parenting issues
· children and behaviour concerns
· finances
· shifting behaviours
· making choices
· responsibilities
· life decisions
· etc.
This is deep work! It can involve a lot of emotions and not everyone is ready to dive straight into a constellation.
While everyone can benefit from the power of this work some people need other sessions prior and after a constellation to support the big shifts that can occur.
For me I had to admit to myself when I started to train as a Constellation Facilitator that Constellations weren't something to ‘play’ with, or go near if I didn't want to change.
When it comes to this space there is no room for judgement. We’re all flawed and all have the ability to choose and have a different life should we want to. It may be a very long journey to achieve your goals, dreams and desires, but one step forward can make a world of difference!
Right here, right now everything is just the way it is – at this moment in time. Should you want something to change, then change has to start with you. And as you shift and change within yourself the effects of the work you do will ripple outward and impact other aspects of your life.
Is it your turn to choose a balanced, reciprocal, included life? To be able to acknowledge what was, yet now choose differently for yourself and your family? Do you desire to know who you are now, and take the steps necessary to walk into the future you want? Change really is possible and it’s waiting for you. It’s your turn now!
Supporting reference: https://www.relationshipconstellations.com/
